I’m not dead… At least not yet

Before you say that’s a terrible title, I know. But it was the most fitting, after all WordPress kindly let me know it was 8 months since I last posted something, yeeesh. Talk about being seriously MIA. In all factualness I have been horrible at keeping my blog and probably if I was seeing a monthly charge on my card for it like kindle unlimited, I’d do a better job. 

That said I’m not dead, I mean I could be the way life is and all but I’m not. I imagine that is something to be thankful for and I truly am… Being a 20 year old now means I cant say I’m a teen yay me, Right? In a way growing up has been far from what I imagined it would be and I have to say its quite bland and morose, like getting to a store after closing time, or waking up at someone else’s house but forgetting how you even got there, something like that, the new adults should get what I mean, either way I’m here at this totally strange and awkward stage in life, and well I’m trying to make the best of it and figuring out where I am and and the big who I am and stuff like that. 
I’m still employed for the moment and so independence is still standing even if I have zero money management skills and have already endeared my money borrowing habits as “bailouts” hurrah aren’t I witty…

I’ve been reading a bit, especially lately since as I suggested earlier I own a kindle subscription which by the way is very great if you really like to read, nonetheless I’ve been reading a mix of genres from romance to mystery thrillers and so on and so forth, and between getting home and falling asleep I’m reading, its been particularly comforting to do at work.. It keeps the sleep away.

My last book I finally finished after pausing it to read another boom which I finished and both were great, apparently romance trumps suspense in my literature palette…who knew? Nevertheless both were good reads and I enjoyed them the last of which was about secrets and family and themes of that nature and had a nice tug at the heart strings ending, my next book which I started shortly after is also a nice tug at the heart strings a mix of loss, death and comedy even if light Comedy, still comedy. Because you can never get enough comedy.

My book did get me thinking about life though and its completely consistent inconsistency and the way it doesn’t always swing our way, and even when it does it doesn’t. I’ve experienced a lot in life and I suppose I’ll experience a lot more, but I suppose I should be thankful for the real and true people I found out of those experiences and situations, the people you meet and want to hold Unto, and that’s something I hope everyone gets to encounter.

Beau and I are still taking it a day at a time, and I’m happy to have them by my side, my anxiety is still here but I am working on it constantly, even if I still sometimes catch myself grinding my teeth or my palms starting to sweat when I’m having an entirely internal collapse. Beau understands this now and it makes for a far more pleasant relationship.

I typed this all on my phone while my very hungry cat purred his disapproval with my lack of attention to him, so I should go feed him and at least have myself a sandwich for dinner. I won’t make promises I can’t keep, but I might even blog tomorrow if I can keep my mojo going. 
Wishing you well from a not dead 20 year old, with his heads still in the clouds.
🙂

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Travels

I have been away for so long guys and I have to say I am so sorry, but happy to report I am doing a lot better…Let’s see if I can give a short round up, my last post was January 13th so since that time I went on a mini trip for my Muse’s birthday which went great so I’ll post another blog with pics from that trip, I’ll also be blogging more regularly now so you can expect some of that :).

Apart from my trip, I have been working, got a full time position at my job which is pretty great,
I turned 20 🎉🎊🎉🎇 haha not sure how I feel about growing old but I am still thankful.
I’ve met some incredible people along the way and I hope to continue doing that.
Since the past few weeks I’ve been working on keeping a positive outlook and it has been wonderful. Somehow not attracting all the negativity I usually do, and I feel really happy about it!
So thats about all that’s happened in all that time, any other gap has been filled by work.

Oh and I got a cat 🐱

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So all in all thanks for reading I hope this blogs finds you well, and expect more soon.
This is me, no longer a teen but still keeping high with my head in the clouds!
☁☁☁

I still fear loneliness…

So my muse restarted classes and I suppose I’m gradually easing into the fact I won’t have them at my beck and call as much as I had while they were on break…which is something I know how to accept, I just wish I didn’t have to. I suppose despite all the way I’ve come through my anxiety I’m still afraid of being alone and ever more so when it comes to someone I’m in love with, I suppose I am being selfish for being as lonely as I feel considering that I know they’ll respond to me if I call or message and perhaps I’m crazy, yet even with all this my loneliness terrifies me.
I’ve since started a crash diet that has me eating as little as possible to help me shed some of the pounds I gained from adjusting to my new job, this is perhaps the third night in a row I’m having 70cent cup noodles for dinner in the my corner of the cafeteria with walls to my back and right, literally the farthest seat from everyone else, just the way I like it. Almost feeling like i could sit here forever but with my break quickly receding I know I’ll have to leave soon and the though brings with in clouds of angst, I didn’t get much sleep today and I probably won’t get much tomorrow, work can be quite demanding and I suppose the more busy I am the more busy I want to be so that I can hopefully block out my past and any part of the outside world I’d rather not see, but unfortunately the outside world crashes like waves at my mental dykes and my inner world rocks and tumbles and the things I try to preserve sometimes slip through the cracks, and the skies darken from the pathetic fallacy of my chaos and and so I tremble at the turmoil the fear in my mind and weakness in my feet.
I can’t really describe the untitled feeling inside my chest but I know hate it; a feeling I’ve had before, between the nightmares I’ve been having about work
I still trudge on, through the cloud city.

An early morning blog…

Its 12:30 am and work has me awake and alive, being shuttled home and missing my muse, we have a trip planned and I am so excited and thrilled about it. I haven’t been this excited and thrilled about anything in a long while so it really has my butterflies coming in, its been all I can think about ever since we made the plans, to have some good quality time together is really an exciting premise, yesterday work was good; despite having a shift that falls into two days I’m starting to adjust, and especially since I have realized I’m not a morning person, I suppose I enjoy the night, its quiet pleasure the absence of people (less anxiety) nights are also a great time to reflect on the days events and I suppose with all the brooding I do it’s only natural that I’d connect with the night the way I do.
Besides work I haven’t really anything else to keep me occupied and admittedly that’s a good thing, I enjoy how engrossing work can be at times the fact I can cower behind its massive impressiveness, the allure of employment, to not be pining over being dependent is really a wonderful feeling, and I have to admit that I have really grown to enjoy to my independence as delicate and fragile as it may be I do enjoy the feeling of power and control I draw from my ability to wield my own finances and I love how much I’m able to polish my muse with little treats of my affection, I suppose I’ve gotten to rambling by now haha but I do think a lot of what I’ve said in this blog serves to remind me of all the things that flood my mind on a daily basis and I can use my writing skills to pour out my colorful mind on the blank canvas.

A new year…

Hey every one I hope you guys are doing well, I know I missed thanksgiving and also Christmas and while I’m not much of a holiday fan and I was pretty much at work on all the days including today I thought it was only fair to write a post… Quite funny since I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work eating noodles from a cup…how chic haha,

But despite that it has been a good year, despite my rough patches and my tears it was good, despite my heart breaks it was good, I flourished as a person and grew in love, I found the love of my life and they found me, quite funny that their birthday is in a few hours, so for you my muse a happy birthday when it comes thank you for finding me and making me a new person to the new year coming I anticipate it with open arms, for more love and happiness like I’ve never known before you. Thank you for all you do and just being you. For being sweet and thoughtful and caring and holding me close when I falter for being the bed thing that has ever happened to me.
I also should thank the people who have supported my blog Gemma especially, who reminded me why I started my blog and why I love to right, she inspires me every day. Thanks to my mom and dad who give me all their love and time and appreciation, who go out their way to make me happy and loved, thanks to everyone who has helped me grow this year, and change for the better, I want to wish you all an amazing and prosperous and fantastic new year.
Wishing to see you all in the coming year with my head in the clouds and my muse by my side hand in hand and heart in heart…

🎆🎆🎆🎆🎇🎇HAPPY NEW YEAR🎇🎇🎆🎆🎆🎆

Social anxiety a journey.

Hey everyone I hope you are all doing well
The other day a really good friend of mine asked me about my social anxiety and was pleased to hear that I was improving thanks especially to my beautiful incredible amazing muse, but while on a whole my muse helps me keeps things substantially in check there are times when my anxiety seeps through and I am utterly confounded and my heart races at the slight, my friend didn’t completely understand what my social anxiety was like and thought I would have been over it completely, So I told him I’d post a little blog someday kind of describing what being socially anxious is  like from my perspective.

Essentially I became aware of my social anxiety back in highschool and it peaked close to and after I left, from the silent fear of rejection from peers to the terror of getting called on in class, my anxiety grew steadily and fed into my obsession with being wanted and appreciated, I was happiest if and when I felt totally and completely needed by someone, that eventually resulted in having brittle friendships commandeered by my ability to bend over backwards, soon it faltered into love life and I became terrified of being rejected which essentially lead to me fighting the possibility of heart break to the point that heart break was inevitable, after  repeats of this I became trapped in my anxiety the worst of it being earlier this year completely devastated by a reduction in friendly interactions and a failed relationship, I lost contact with myself…over taken with my anxiety leaving my house became harder and harder, I’d opt to stay home eat and sleep and read, gradually even communications with the outside world went dead I let my phones data  subscription lapse and I vanished, that time I spent much of reflecting and learning to appreciate solitude reading, gardening and working out started to help me recover, but I still couldn’t say if I was ready to return to the world I had left behind, in smoldering ashes was I ready to face everyone again, to pretend and be pretended with? I couldn’t say after a few weeks I finally was forced back when my past job called me in, I was back to work and I was overwhelmed, almost instantly my anxiety returned and I felt at a loss.
At this point I decided to reinvent myself, I began to identify the sources (in other words people) who caused my anxiety, and slowly one by one I picked them off and disconnected from them gradually the process yielded results and I found myself anew I decided to continue the process until I was satisfied and once I was complete  I was truly improved, but the hardest part of disconnecting is staying disconnected resisting the urges go revisit the past, the urge to seek out the people who you gave so much of your self to and the urge to ask why ?

The past is a nightmare for a socially anxious person, who often finds them self over come with the concern for the past so much so that it alters their future, being constantly reminded of their own inadequacy in dealing with situations.

Being socially anxious has been a long and tremendous journey for me and I am grateful to all the people who I have met along the way, to my loving muse, and to you all who have shown your support by reading and subscribing.

I may not be defined by my anxiety but it does play a big role in my life, and I will continually work towards reaching my full potential despite

.

As always thanks for reading and don’t forget to keep your head in the clouds ☁

Until next time
Xoxo

The memoire of a socially anxious working teen

As usual i’ll start my post with an apology for my complete absence, between the business of work and my rigorous schedule I have had little time for anything else besides the eat sleep routine.
I suppose work has defined me lately and I find myself having dreams about possible scenarios that can happen at work. I spend a lot of my mornings pining over dreams about work and being anxious.

In retrospect my anxiety has improved significantly and I am grateful to my muse for making that happen, they have given me a lot more anticipation of the future and things to come, and they help keep me grounded especially when I can feel my anxiety boiling, I am open about my anxiety with them and they always reassure me when they sense my tension which is really great.

Today I got to work hours before my shift and spent majority of the time sitting. I’d left out with my mom and took her shoe shopping then she went to work and I went to mine, on the bus I did a lot of thinking and this blog was prewritten
I had a lot of thoughts about the environment around me and how I fit into it, while passing over the bridge that cuts across the harbor I watched the still sea and the shimmering reflection of the afternoon sun, the fishermen pulling nets oblivious to their distant observer , the quiet lull of the buses engine added to the atmosphere of my thoughts I cuddled closer to the window peering out at the lanes and the passing people and I wondered what they were thinking, how their days were going, and whether they were happy, I couldn’t decide from just looking but I wished them the best… As the bus rushed on, eventually it was my time to get off and I felt the anxiousness build, looking around for the buzzer I found myself to be inconveniently seated between them, close enough to see but too far to not have an awkward fumble with the woman next to me and that fueled my anxiety, luckily I wasn’t the only one getting out and the bells toll settled me, I eased past the woman slightly bumping two or three passengers before getting out and not looking back in the event they were scowling, I wasn’t in the mood to see that and I mentally apologized to them.
I got through the front doors of my building and sauntered around the corner to my locker and prepared for the wait until my shift, coyly smiling at coworkers and trying with some effort to keep my anxiety in check.

In all work has changed my life in more ways than one and while I enjoy the perks, I have had a completely new perspective to work with, being socially anxious has made that a lot more difficult and I am thankful to my muse for the role they play in my improvement.

Thank you for reading, I hope you are all well.

Until next, time keep your head in the clouds ☁ xoxo

A short post to say thanks

Hey everyone so I had scribbled down the title of this post earlier today at work, now I’ve jut gotten home and I am filling in the words 🙂

I hope you all have been doing well and this post is just to say thanks, 3 years ago I started this blog and so far its undergone many changes and transformations and as I’ve grown and changed so has my blog, and I just want to say thanks to all of you for reading and subscribing thanks for the kind words and just taking the time to read it, thanks for being here and making me feel accomplished thanks for relating, thanks for being wonderful people and thanks for making standing by my side we may not know each other physically but as fellow humans I want to say thank you.

the cloud citizen

A contemplation

Hey guys I guess I owe you an apology for my unexplained absence and for that I am truly sorry I suppose I have just been over taken with existence to be honest I haven’t really been busy just tired, not exhausted but tired if I were to say exactly what happened in the days of my absence I don’t think I could everything has kind of merged into an unintelligible mass, like a dark silt on the floor of the ocean of my existence.

Today I gawked through to the end of my 4pm to 1am shift and even now I am groggy but with all the thoughts in my head I decided to blog,

While on the first of two buses to take me home, I saw a student diligently studying a chemistry hand out and for some reason it reminded me so much of myself, and I suppose only he can tell whether he was getting it or not but it seemed like he was and it suddenly made me wonder “what happened?” Not to say I feel bad about where I’ve gotten but am I where I want to be?, in truth I don’t know, I remember when I was a kid with dozens of dreams and plans and thoughts of the future and now I’m just here ebbing on the shores of routine drowning in thoughts about the future and wondering if I am making the right decisions, the world it self seems to be on the brink of chaos and to add to it I’m caught in this mid life crisis, I suppose all my years of being rational didn’t adequately equip me for a future I didn’t have complete control over, a future such as this one.
Since I don’t have an immediate conclusion to my contemplation I’ll ask

“What happened?”