I still fear loneliness…

So my muse restarted classes and I suppose I’m gradually easing into the fact I won’t have them at my beck and call as much as I had while they were on break…which is something I know how to accept, I just wish I didn’t have to. I suppose despite all the way I’ve come through my anxiety I’m still afraid of being alone and ever more so when it comes to someone I’m in love with, I suppose I am being selfish for being as lonely as I feel considering that I know they’ll respond to me if I call or message and perhaps I’m crazy, yet even with all this my loneliness terrifies me.
I’ve since started a crash diet that has me eating as little as possible to help me shed some of the pounds I gained from adjusting to my new job, this is perhaps the third night in a row I’m having 70cent cup noodles for dinner in the my corner of the cafeteria with walls to my back and right, literally the farthest seat from everyone else, just the way I like it. Almost feeling like i could sit here forever but with my break quickly receding I know I’ll have to leave soon and the though brings with in clouds of angst, I didn’t get much sleep today and I probably won’t get much tomorrow, work can be quite demanding and I suppose the more busy I am the more busy I want to be so that I can hopefully block out my past and any part of the outside world I’d rather not see, but unfortunately the outside world crashes like waves at my mental dykes and my inner world rocks and tumbles and the things I try to preserve sometimes slip through the cracks, and the skies darken from the pathetic fallacy of my chaos and and so I tremble at the turmoil the fear in my mind and weakness in my feet.
I can’t really describe the untitled feeling inside my chest but I know hate it; a feeling I’ve had before, between the nightmares I’ve been having about work
I still trudge on, through the cloud city.


10 thoughts on “I still fear loneliness…

  1. I felt similar to this when Dave went back to work after the Christmas break. Fortunately after the first week I was able to get back into the swing of things. Hope you feel better soon x

      1. Walter is great. I take him to work with me in the evenings as the girk I look after has a Jack Russell. He loves playing with her x

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