I still fear loneliness…

So my muse restarted classes and I suppose I’m gradually easing into the fact I won’t have them at my beck and call as much as I had while they were on break…which is something I know how to accept, I just wish I didn’t have to. I suppose despite all the way I’ve come through my anxiety I’m still afraid of being alone and ever more so when it comes to someone I’m in love with, I suppose I am being selfish for being as lonely as I feel considering that I know they’ll respond to me if I call or message and perhaps I’m crazy, yet even with all this my loneliness terrifies me.
I’ve since started a crash diet that has me eating as little as possible to help me shed some of the pounds I gained from adjusting to my new job, this is perhaps the third night in a row I’m having 70cent cup noodles for dinner in the my corner of the cafeteria with walls to my back and right, literally the farthest seat from everyone else, just the way I like it. Almost feeling like i could sit here forever but with my break quickly receding I know I’ll have to leave soon and the though brings with in clouds of angst, I didn’t get much sleep today and I probably won’t get much tomorrow, work can be quite demanding and I suppose the more busy I am the more busy I want to be so that I can hopefully block out my past and any part of the outside world I’d rather not see, but unfortunately the outside world crashes like waves at my mental dykes and my inner world rocks and tumbles and the things I try to preserve sometimes slip through the cracks, and the skies darken from the pathetic fallacy of my chaos and and so I tremble at the turmoil the fear in my mind and weakness in my feet.
I can’t really describe the untitled feeling inside my chest but I know hate it; a feeling I’ve had before, between the nightmares I’ve been having about work
I still trudge on, through the cloud city.


An early morning blog…

Its 12:30 am and work has me awake and alive, being shuttled home and missing my muse, we have a trip planned and I am so excited and thrilled about it. I haven’t been this excited and thrilled about anything in a long while so it really has my butterflies coming in, its been all I can think about ever since we made the plans, to have some good quality time together is really an exciting premise, yesterday work was good; despite having a shift that falls into two days I’m starting to adjust, and especially since I have realized I’m not a morning person, I suppose I enjoy the night, its quiet pleasure the absence of people (less anxiety) nights are also a great time to reflect on the days events and I suppose with all the brooding I do it’s only natural that I’d connect with the night the way I do.
Besides work I haven’t really anything else to keep me occupied and admittedly that’s a good thing, I enjoy how engrossing work can be at times the fact I can cower behind its massive impressiveness, the allure of employment, to not be pining over being dependent is really a wonderful feeling, and I have to admit that I have really grown to enjoy to my independence as delicate and fragile as it may be I do enjoy the feeling of power and control I draw from my ability to wield my own finances and I love how much I’m able to polish my muse with little treats of my affection, I suppose I’ve gotten to rambling by now haha but I do think a lot of what I’ve said in this blog serves to remind me of all the things that flood my mind on a daily basis and I can use my writing skills to pour out my colorful mind on the blank canvas.

A new year…

Hey every one I hope you guys are doing well, I know I missed thanksgiving and also Christmas and while I’m not much of a holiday fan and I was pretty much at work on all the days including today I thought it was only fair to write a post… Quite funny since I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work eating noodles from a cup…how chic haha,

But despite that it has been a good year, despite my rough patches and my tears it was good, despite my heart breaks it was good, I flourished as a person and grew in love, I found the love of my life and they found me, quite funny that their birthday is in a few hours, so for you my muse a happy birthday when it comes thank you for finding me and making me a new person to the new year coming I anticipate it with open arms, for more love and happiness like I’ve never known before you. Thank you for all you do and just being you. For being sweet and thoughtful and caring and holding me close when I falter for being the bed thing that has ever happened to me.
I also should thank the people who have supported my blog Gemma especially, who reminded me why I started my blog and why I love to right, she inspires me every day. Thanks to my mom and dad who give me all their love and time and appreciation, who go out their way to make me happy and loved, thanks to everyone who has helped me grow this year, and change for the better, I want to wish you all an amazing and prosperous and fantastic new year.
Wishing to see you all in the coming year with my head in the clouds and my muse by my side hand in hand and heart in heart…

🎆🎆🎆🎆🎇🎇HAPPY NEW YEAR🎇🎇🎆🎆🎆🎆