Hey everyone I hope you are all doing well
The other day a really good friend of mine asked me about my social anxiety and was pleased to hear that I was improving thanks especially to my beautiful incredible amazing muse, but while on a whole my muse helps me keeps things substantially in check there are times when my anxiety seeps through and I am utterly confounded and my heart races at the slight, my friend didn’t completely understand what my social anxiety was like and thought I would have been over it completely, So I told him I’d post a little blog someday kind of describing what being socially anxious is like from my perspective.
Essentially I became aware of my social anxiety back in highschool and it peaked close to and after I left, from the silent fear of rejection from peers to the terror of getting called on in class, my anxiety grew steadily and fed into my obsession with being wanted and appreciated, I was happiest if and when I felt totally and completely needed by someone, that eventually resulted in having brittle friendships commandeered by my ability to bend over backwards, soon it faltered into love life and I became terrified of being rejected which essentially lead to me fighting the possibility of heart break to the point that heart break was inevitable, after repeats of this I became trapped in my anxiety the worst of it being earlier this year completely devastated by a reduction in friendly interactions and a failed relationship, I lost contact with myself…over taken with my anxiety leaving my house became harder and harder, I’d opt to stay home eat and sleep and read, gradually even communications with the outside world went dead I let my phones data subscription lapse and I vanished, that time I spent much of reflecting and learning to appreciate solitude reading, gardening and working out started to help me recover, but I still couldn’t say if I was ready to return to the world I had left behind, in smoldering ashes was I ready to face everyone again, to pretend and be pretended with? I couldn’t say after a few weeks I finally was forced back when my past job called me in, I was back to work and I was overwhelmed, almost instantly my anxiety returned and I felt at a loss.
At this point I decided to reinvent myself, I began to identify the sources (in other words people) who caused my anxiety, and slowly one by one I picked them off and disconnected from them gradually the process yielded results and I found myself anew I decided to continue the process until I was satisfied and once I was complete I was truly improved, but the hardest part of disconnecting is staying disconnected resisting the urges go revisit the past, the urge to seek out the people who you gave so much of your self to and the urge to ask why ?
The past is a nightmare for a socially anxious person, who often finds them self over come with the concern for the past so much so that it alters their future, being constantly reminded of their own inadequacy in dealing with situations.
Being socially anxious has been a long and tremendous journey for me and I am grateful to all the people who I have met along the way, to my loving muse, and to you all who have shown your support by reading and subscribing.
I may not be defined by my anxiety but it does play a big role in my life, and I will continually work towards reaching my full potential despite
As always thanks for reading and don’t forget to keep your head in the clouds ☁
Until next time