Social anxiety a journey.

Hey everyone I hope you are all doing well
The other day a really good friend of mine asked me about my social anxiety and was pleased to hear that I was improving thanks especially to my beautiful incredible amazing muse, but while on a whole my muse helps me keeps things substantially in check there are times when my anxiety seeps through and I am utterly confounded and my heart races at the slight, my friend didn’t completely understand what my social anxiety was like and thought I would have been over it completely, So I told him I’d post a little blog someday kind of describing what being socially anxious is  like from my perspective.

Essentially I became aware of my social anxiety back in highschool and it peaked close to and after I left, from the silent fear of rejection from peers to the terror of getting called on in class, my anxiety grew steadily and fed into my obsession with being wanted and appreciated, I was happiest if and when I felt totally and completely needed by someone, that eventually resulted in having brittle friendships commandeered by my ability to bend over backwards, soon it faltered into love life and I became terrified of being rejected which essentially lead to me fighting the possibility of heart break to the point that heart break was inevitable, after  repeats of this I became trapped in my anxiety the worst of it being earlier this year completely devastated by a reduction in friendly interactions and a failed relationship, I lost contact with myself…over taken with my anxiety leaving my house became harder and harder, I’d opt to stay home eat and sleep and read, gradually even communications with the outside world went dead I let my phones data  subscription lapse and I vanished, that time I spent much of reflecting and learning to appreciate solitude reading, gardening and working out started to help me recover, but I still couldn’t say if I was ready to return to the world I had left behind, in smoldering ashes was I ready to face everyone again, to pretend and be pretended with? I couldn’t say after a few weeks I finally was forced back when my past job called me in, I was back to work and I was overwhelmed, almost instantly my anxiety returned and I felt at a loss.
At this point I decided to reinvent myself, I began to identify the sources (in other words people) who caused my anxiety, and slowly one by one I picked them off and disconnected from them gradually the process yielded results and I found myself anew I decided to continue the process until I was satisfied and once I was complete  I was truly improved, but the hardest part of disconnecting is staying disconnected resisting the urges go revisit the past, the urge to seek out the people who you gave so much of your self to and the urge to ask why ?

The past is a nightmare for a socially anxious person, who often finds them self over come with the concern for the past so much so that it alters their future, being constantly reminded of their own inadequacy in dealing with situations.

Being socially anxious has been a long and tremendous journey for me and I am grateful to all the people who I have met along the way, to my loving muse, and to you all who have shown your support by reading and subscribing.

I may not be defined by my anxiety but it does play a big role in my life, and I will continually work towards reaching my full potential despite

.

As always thanks for reading and don’t forget to keep your head in the clouds ☁

Until next time
Xoxo

The memoire of a socially anxious working teen

As usual i’ll start my post with an apology for my complete absence, between the business of work and my rigorous schedule I have had little time for anything else besides the eat sleep routine.
I suppose work has defined me lately and I find myself having dreams about possible scenarios that can happen at work. I spend a lot of my mornings pining over dreams about work and being anxious.

In retrospect my anxiety has improved significantly and I am grateful to my muse for making that happen, they have given me a lot more anticipation of the future and things to come, and they help keep me grounded especially when I can feel my anxiety boiling, I am open about my anxiety with them and they always reassure me when they sense my tension which is really great.

Today I got to work hours before my shift and spent majority of the time sitting. I’d left out with my mom and took her shoe shopping then she went to work and I went to mine, on the bus I did a lot of thinking and this blog was prewritten
I had a lot of thoughts about the environment around me and how I fit into it, while passing over the bridge that cuts across the harbor I watched the still sea and the shimmering reflection of the afternoon sun, the fishermen pulling nets oblivious to their distant observer , the quiet lull of the buses engine added to the atmosphere of my thoughts I cuddled closer to the window peering out at the lanes and the passing people and I wondered what they were thinking, how their days were going, and whether they were happy, I couldn’t decide from just looking but I wished them the best… As the bus rushed on, eventually it was my time to get off and I felt the anxiousness build, looking around for the buzzer I found myself to be inconveniently seated between them, close enough to see but too far to not have an awkward fumble with the woman next to me and that fueled my anxiety, luckily I wasn’t the only one getting out and the bells toll settled me, I eased past the woman slightly bumping two or three passengers before getting out and not looking back in the event they were scowling, I wasn’t in the mood to see that and I mentally apologized to them.
I got through the front doors of my building and sauntered around the corner to my locker and prepared for the wait until my shift, coyly smiling at coworkers and trying with some effort to keep my anxiety in check.

In all work has changed my life in more ways than one and while I enjoy the perks, I have had a completely new perspective to work with, being socially anxious has made that a lot more difficult and I am thankful to my muse for the role they play in my improvement.

Thank you for reading, I hope you are all well.

Until next, time keep your head in the clouds ☁ xoxo