If I jump…will I survive?

About 20 ft off the ground watching my feet dangling in the wind got me thinking about life. I’m not one to think much about life but when I do it is usually intense and perhaps morbidly so, in any case I thought about my anxiety and how different I would be without it, then I thought about strangers and people who I didn’t know with anxiety that must be thinking the same thing and I thought about death and I suppose the more I thought the more everything got murky and turned into a big incomprehensible soup and I imagined how people who take their own lives must find themselves overwhelmed with their dissatisfaction with everything and caught up in such a tremendous amount of angst that they get lost in the dark and can’t seem to escape, since being alive I haven’t experienced death, no one close to me has died, I haven’t witnessed death the way many witness its rawness, the closest I have come to death is the death of celebrities, pets and perhaps very distant relatives who may have very well been celebrities. Then I thought about my life and inevitable death and I wondered what that will be like, whether I’ll go in a peaceful exit or a loud and disturbing absence, and I thought about being missed, I couldn’t quite fathom what missing a dead person is like but I imagine it must feel tremendous and perhaps it would make you lie awake, and maybe it will cause an incredible amount of anguish. Then I thought about time and its unbiased disinterest with existence, it isn’t perturbed by anything and continues without the bat of an eye, and I wondered if life was like an illusion and you were free at its end, and I thought about those who dared to take the plunge and find out and I even wondered what they did find at the bottom of the ocean of uncertainty.
And then I came back to the thought if I jump…will I survive?. And I didn’t perhaps because of the uncertainty, the probability and a million other equations of extraterrestrial proportions, so instead I cling to life and its frivolity, and its uncertainty and irony, clinging to the slippery surface like a drowning insect, hoping for the best and expecting the worst fearful and amazed taken and given by the tides of existence.
As always thanks for reading.
Life is still a voyage-The Voyaging Voyager.

Advertisements

A short post for a slow day…

Today was a slow day, not to say that the other days of the past few weeks haven’t been slow but today was visibly slow and it put me through considerable angst, I spent much of it pining and watching the hours run by slowly like chilled molasses, and despite wanting to up and talk to my very few friends I found myself not being given in to the idea so instead I relished in my angst. Having awoke early today left me feeling dull and the days particular slowness didn’t help, in terms of my social anxiety I was satisfied, I saw noone and noone saw me, and that was good…in fact that was great. I suppose my relative isolation has been doing much to keep my anxiety at bay and I am forever grateful. I found out that despite not seeing some people physically having them in my life indirectly still gave me anxious moments and I spent much of the past few days blindly deleting numbers without giving a thought (otherwise I’d still be thinking and they’d still be here), ironically as is most times the case they don’t give half as much thought to me as I give to them so they will more than likely not be tremendously overwhelmed by my absence and to be honest that’s ok. My newest adaptation of allowing people to live the life they want to live so long as it does not directly encroach on mine has made steady strides, and I tend to try and remind myself of it every day.
By the time I finish writing,proof reading, and publishing this blog it will be time to watch the sunset from my roof and wait for the night sky to illuminate with distant stars and unknown goods and evils, and I’ll pine some more about the things I can’t control until tomorrow comes, with its own set of unknowns and buries today into the past.

As always thanks for reading I hope you guys are all well and I’ll see you soon.
-The Voyaging Voyager.

I’ve been away again

Hey everyone sorry about not posting lately truth is I’ve been away, both emotionally and physically. I even missed my blogs anniversary (turned 3 in April). I moved back to my house in far far away and with seldom internet access I’ve been taken up by boredom but also a sense of internal peace of mind at least for the most part, its usually when I’m connected that I feel overwhelmingly depressed and I suppose the isolation only helps if I remain isolated, in any case I’ve found lots to do since I have no friends here to speak of (not that I really mind) and being away from the capital. Started growing things and I suppose that has helped my patience tremendously, taking long walks also helps, specifically the fact that I don’t see too many people, as for my anxiety it comes and goes some days are better than others but I know that it has improved a great deal, helped by the ways in which I see sunrises and sunsets and moon light and star gazing I suppose I’m able to be regaled by nature and that’s not such a bad thing either, as for school with my syllabus ended and the only thing between me and moving forward is me, I guess it is alright too. I hope you are all well and thank you for waiting for me.

Life is still a voyage-The Voyaging Voyager
🙂