After my last post I guess you could say I had somewhat of a break, I can’t put a finger on what caused it but I felt extremely depressed, I didn’t really know what to do about it so I just tried to ignore it, on a positive note my long distance relationship has finally recovered and we are in a good place, I am happy and I anticipate seeing them soon.
I spent Wednesday doing my usual going with the flow routine and feeling exhausted, I planned to blog but by the time I could get around to it I found out we would be having a guest and on top of that I was starting to feel overwhelmed with inner thoughts.
Our guest left on thursday to catch their flight back home and I had spent Wednesday night talking with an ex and some how that didn’t remotely help my depression, in fact it made me even more flustered, and as terrible as it was I spent the time trying to understand why I was standing for it and allowing myself to feel so intensely hurt, eventually we ran out of communication and I slept in the couch.
My back ached most of thursday, but I was looking forward to meeting up with my friend from my last post, but after about 10 unanswered calls around the time we were supposed to meet up, I assumed the worst; I had done something or they wanted nothing further to do with me, So after adding another 3 or so missed calls to their answering machine I scattered about 4 other missed calls across my contact list, and felt my anxiety almost burst through the top of my head.
It’s a funny thing when you have anxiety even just making a call is stressful, you hope they answer but in the same breath you dread it, and when they don’t answer you become even more anxious, you are flooded with a million thoughts, then you try to call back to let them know that you aren’t desperate, but no answer; you call again and again seeming even more desperate than the first call, and your anxiety is about to climax and make you cry for no reason.
After deciding that I was not going out and I was going to have to spend my thursday evening basking in my depression I fled to my only last resort “food”
I picked myself up got dressed and went out for chinese, and I was happy, happy with food but more happy with the cool air,night sky, and headlights, hushed voices and night life, and I calmed down.
I checked my phone after grabbing food and saw that my friend had worked late and was sorry for standing me up and promised to make it up to me, and I was calm enough to rationally forgive them, and that’s just what I did.
Today I was just as tired as yesterday, but I am keeping at it, trying to beat my anxiety and trying my best to find my inner peace.
Until Next time, Thanks for reading and remember
to always keep at it.
-The Voyaging Voyager