Hey everyone I hope you all had a fantastic Monday, and also sorry for not posting I ultimately found all my time taken up with being home and enjoying quiet solace.
So today was quiet much like any other day, I stayed home and and slept late, ate and contemplated life and my relationship, then there was the contemplation of my existence and trying to figure out who I am as a person. There was also pasta which was very very delicious, and it was pleasant to note that I made it.
Later down in the day I escaped to my virtual reality world of Wizard101 where I found out yesterday that my castle was ranked 9th out of a 100 as the top best castles in the game, and so I am still riding that excitement, I suppose when you are socially anxious you yearn for socialization but also loath it, somehow wizard101 has helped me through that and I am truly grateful for the amazing friends I have made both virtually and in real life from it. So I spent today decorating my castle and doing more to keep it fresh and interesting for my budding fan base, even conducted a marriage today, for two girl characters who, basically wanted to get married, they asked and I agreed and it was an overall fun event.
Meanwhile back in reality I grappled with the idea of going to get a hair cut until I eventually resolved to wait until the night when it was dark and I could easily slip through the crowds without being noticed and my anxiety could be at a minimum, I got to the barber without incident although I still felt the anxiety bubbling inside me as I bobbed and weaved through the advancing pedestrians who looked simply like shadows.
My barber was waiting for me apparently, and it was nice to be inside the shop and away from the crowds,bringing my Ochlophobia to a halt. I tried to get cozy in the leather chair as whir of the shear signified my new cut was in progress, moments later it was over and the barber offered me the hot towel face cleanse, I weighed the thought anxiously…I was paying 7 dollars for this hair cut, after all it would be money lost if I didn’t take it, and this would be the second time I’d be turning it down, what would he think if I did?, do I care what he thinks? in a split second all these thoughts ran through my mind, I initially caved in and agreed because the more he tried to persuade the more anxious I became, the masseuse came over to me and did her thing and at one point had to tell me to not tense my face, I didn’t even know my face was tense, I was embarrassed but was glad when it was over I tried to act casual as I left, but I literally ran out, I ran into my barber on the balcony paid him hurriedly and left. The flurry of events literally made me hungry and I stopped at Wendy’s and got a burger and nuggets combo plus a large fries to help me stay calm, as I sat alone eating I contemplated my anxiety and loathed it, the tinted windows filtered the car headlights that passed by, I watched strangers come and go, a few I felt attracted to and wished I could say “hi” but that would be crazy, even for me…
After my panic attack was over I eased out of my seat dumped my tray and pushed through the glass doors into the dark lonely street, a beggar accosted me almost scaring the daylights out of me, I initially said no, but then turned around and gave him 50 cents which by the way is 50 dollars in Jamaica, he was grateful and I hurried along, folding my arms and walking briskly until I was home, safe in the nest, safe from the world.
Thanks for reading, You are awesome
-The Voyaging Voyager