I think tonight’s post is one that’s from the heart or maybe it’s from the mind, either way it’s something that’s been bothering me since it first happened and somehow the more I push against it the more it crushes me. These days I spend my time being engrossed in a roller coaster long distance romance that has dealt me my fair share of burns and scars, but yet all in all I want to be in it and I have been happy for the most part.
But…after an exchange of words that left me apologetic and twisted with regret and having not fully forgiven myself for the things I said,although being assured that I was forgiven I now wonder if just maybe I haven’t been forgiven either. These days we exchange words in strained and grinding conversations, talking as though every word is a stone and must be weighed before it is thrown. Despite having tried not to be bothered by it and to simply hold on to the deep affection and endless desire I still hold, I somehow feel distant and withdrawn, I feel suffocated, yet in the same breath they are all that my heart desires, and they are all I can think about some days and even more so they have made me very happy and helped me through some tough times, so I am confounded by the intensity of this internal conflict.
Maybe I am just a sensitive person or maybe I overthink everything and over analyse too much or maybe its all of the above whatever the reason I felt like a bus ran over me almost 36 hours ago…
We were crawling along through our devastatingly opaque conversations when I hit a stump and genuinely couldn’t find anything to talk about, not because I wasn’t thinking but maybe because sometimes it’s difficult when you can’t really tell what someone is thinking, and I had already burned through the obvious topics like the weather and food and the “how was your day?” routine, trying to keep up my appeal and trying to be honest I said it out loud and told them that I didn’t know what to talk about but I still wanted to talk and then it happened…
It was not well received and in place of an affectionate response I was told that I didn’t always need to say something, and I felt crushed, crushed because I thought it was a cute thing to say and never would have expected that, crushed because I try to talk to compensate not being there, crushed because if they can think that what must everyone else think, crushed because I was coming on too strong, crushed because it didn’t feel warranted and stung like a hornet, but crushed most of all because I just accepted it, I didn’t say anything, I simply agreed and ended the conversation.
since then I have spent my time weighing everything in my head, under a rigorous and rational scale, I have resolved to not speak unless spoken to which in turn is killing me, and I feel like the harder I push the more the resistance increases against me, do I continue acting like it doesn’t bother me? Do I bring it up? Is it too late to bring it up? what will happen if I do?, and at some point or another I am going to just burst, whether into tears or into mad rage over my complicated mind, or the fact that in all of this I am still terrified of speaking about the way I feel, fearful of ridicule or being shown up as petty, being seen as ignorant and foolish being thought of as irrational and arrogant, so instead I blog to let it out, to free my mind from the burden of thought, to try and understand who I am when I proofread this to myself and to feel apart and separate from the chaos that has ensued in my mind.
Thanks for being a great audience and thanks for taking the time to appreciate this, and if you ever find yourself if my shoes remember you aren’t alone, and if you happen to be on the opposite side remember that sometimes feelings are hurt and hearts are broken by the simplest of things.
-The Voyaging Voyager