So it’s been quite the weekend and I am absolutely spent, apart from lazing about on saturday afternoon I actually spent today cleaning and doing what I call “positive exertion” and that is basically where I do a tremendous amount of labour intensive chores in hopes of taking my mind off all the things I spend my time over thinking and being anxious about. Most times it works other times not so much and I just end up being excruciatingly tired and filled with thoughts of my many insecurities, all in all it has a 70% success rate which isn’t bad right?
Apart from sitting outside in the quiet of the night, trying to write this post complemented by the occasional ping of my cell and the splashing of the fish in the koi pond next to me, I feel somewhat poetic and I thought maybe I should try and write a poem…maybe some day I’ll share that with you guys, I liked literature in school not that I was a wiz at it or anything but I was genuinely able to conjure pictures to all those tales in my head, and that was good, as socially anxious as I was in highschool being able to read a book somehow helped to put it in check, that and the fact that I had a best friend whose popularity and infectious personality made it easy to say “yes” and not really care much about what people thought of me, these days are different and I don’t have his guidance the way I used to, so now I occasionally tail spin out of control and feel depressed and angry and stay in and watch funny videos on YouTube and eating-my-way-through-depression and get to work at 11 in the day and so I win the battle but not the war. Being socially anxious in my line of work is a big contradiction because I have to deal with hundreds of people on a daily basis, and as much as I do an amazing job at it, the toll is very real. I have to regroup my thoughts every time after talking to a customer and trying to keep myself from stuttering, the faster I can talk the easier it is and I can burn through the entire conversation and retreat to quiet solitude in 5 minutes or less but on other occasions I’ve been asked by persons to slow down, and usually that kills me, my heart races and I wonder what they are thinking, usually if I don’t get through what I need to say then I choke up and get flustered. It’s not fun for a socially anxious Customer Service Rep. You find yourself getting hypertension trying to survive with all the different personalities. I get saved because I’m always smiling and usually people associate smiling with happiness, on the other hand smiling is just a side effect of how nervous I am or all the hilarious thinking I keep pumping through my mind to make sure I don’t EXPLODE.
Being socially anxious is particularly hard because people don’t usually get you, they don’t understand that when you are socially anxious you become more scattered more easily or that you like attention from the few people that make up your life, you want to feel wanted just like everyone else but you have a challenge going out there and getting it the way other people do. From my experience being socially anxious has kept me from keeping friends and usually I can’t sustain the need to be wanted while at the same time not wanting to be in a crowded social environment.
I think My social anxiety has been my biggest challenge in relationships both romantic and platonic, because a partner just doesn’t usually understand the complex person I am, and the fact that I think about a million totally irregular situations on a daily basis, and that makes me who I am, right now my long distance relationship kind of bounces up and down, but overall they have decided that they want to be here for the long haul and that’s an amazing comfort to have <3.
All in all being socially anxious sometimes takes a humongous toll on your life and you would love to just escape to a white astral plain, and be alone with your thoughts and wild fantasies instead of sharing the world with billions of people.
But then again…Life is for living
So thanks for reading I hope this helped you to understand me a little better and also someone you know who may be socially anxious, a little better as well. As always Stay cozy.