Sometimes I take photos of things that aren’t food…

Hey everyone I hope you all had a wonderful week and thanks for sticking out last week with me. Today was uneventful, and I spent a large part of it moping and trying to get through the day. I managed to do so and I thought I would share with you all another photo themed blog but this time not food like the last one, but some amateur flower and scenic shots I took between my living locations, hope you enjoy.

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A nice enchanting view of the Caribbean Sea

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Before the rain

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A rainbow up close and personal

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If I said I knew the name of this I would probably be lying

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I’m pretty sure this is a desert plant of some sort

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These are wild but they are beautiful with the right environment

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When there are no rainbows to be had the sky is crisp

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Probably my favorite type of plants

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Wild Beauty

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There is a red specie of this

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These are more bushes than flowers, in my opinion

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Wild Beauty of another kind

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Wild beauty looking very svelte

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A morning sunrise like none you can get in the city

Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a fantastic Monday.

Life is still a voyage…

-The Voyaging Voyager

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Another Day In The Life…

After my last post I guess you could say I had somewhat of a break, I can’t put a finger on what caused it but I felt extremely depressed, I didn’t really know what to do about it so I just tried to ignore it, on a positive note my long distance relationship has finally recovered and we are in a good place, I am happy and I anticipate seeing them soon.


I spent Wednesday doing my usual going with the flow routine and feeling exhausted, I planned to blog but by the time I could get around to it I found out we would be having a guest and on top of that I was starting to feel overwhelmed with inner thoughts.


Our guest left on thursday to catch their flight back home and I had spent Wednesday night talking with an ex and some how that didn’t remotely help my depression, in fact it made me even more flustered, and as terrible as it was I spent the time trying to understand why I was standing for it and allowing myself to feel so intensely hurt, eventually we ran out of communication and I slept in the couch.


My back ached most of thursday, but I was looking forward to meeting up with my friend from my last post, but after about 10 unanswered calls around the time we were supposed to meet up, I assumed the worst; I had done something or they wanted nothing further to do with me, So after adding another 3 or so missed calls to their answering machine I scattered about 4 other missed calls across my contact list, and felt my anxiety almost burst through the top of my head.

Just Like Tove Lo

It’s a funny thing when you have anxiety even just making a call is stressful, you hope they answer but in the same breath you dread it, and when they don’t answer you become even more anxious, you are flooded with a million thoughts, then you try to call back to let them know that you aren’t desperate, but no answer; you call again and again seeming even more desperate than the first call, and your anxiety is about to climax and make you cry for no reason.


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It was delicious

After deciding that I was not going out and I was going to have to spend my thursday evening basking in my depression I fled to my only last resort “food” 

I picked myself up got dressed and went out for chinese, and I was happy, happy with food but more happy with the cool air,night sky, and headlights, hushed voices and night life, and I calmed down.


I checked my phone after grabbing food and saw that my friend had worked late and was sorry for standing me up and promised to make it up to me, and I was calm enough to rationally forgive them, and that’s just what I did.


Today I was just as tired as yesterday, but I am keeping at it, trying to beat my anxiety and trying my best to find my inner peace.


Until Next time, Thanks for reading and remember

to always keep at it.

-The Voyaging Voyager

Just Live…

Hey everyone I hope you have all been well, I must apologize for being so missing in action, I suppose I have been busy lazing around, but apart from lazing, I have actually made some good strides.

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Walt’s right.


Started working out running on the treadmill and setting goals on Ifit, so far things are looking up.So I’m pretty motivated about my fitness and overall being in my optimum physical state (a line I stole from Jupiter Ascending.)

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Fast forward a bit and I’ve also been meeting new people, and easing myself out of social anxiety, even if the very thought of meeting a total stranger makes my hands tremble, which I didn’t know until saturday when I went to hang with a new friend I made and I decided to stop for Burger King before I got there, and the cashier pointed out that my hands were shaking just slightly, and I realised that it was because I had been thinking so hard about the situation, then when I got to them they pointed it out again and I was embarrassed but happy that I went, and overall had a good time, and despite turning down their latest invitation to a birthday party, I know that I am gradually getting through my anxiety and I am grateful for all the people, in my life and those just coming, and those going and even you, the people who read my blog and keep me motivated to keep writing and sharing my experiences.

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My motivation


So as always thanks for reading and you will hear from me more this week :), and until then Just Live…

- The Voyaging Voyager

My Virtual Reality of Wizard101

I hope everyone had a fantastic day today, I spent my day In the virtual world of wizard101 escaping reality and overall having a blast check it out…


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Just a little magical gardening

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Oh You may Notice I have yatch…Haha

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Thought I’d do a little photo shoot with some other players

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Decided to take it t my house since it got a bit crowded back in the commons

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Yes you can own estates like that in the Game 🙂

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Special Thanks to the Wizards who help make this possible:

Amanda FireBlossom,Caleb ShadowSmith, Zachary GoldenThorn, and yours truly Sean SpiritHunter.


As always thanks for reading 🙂

-The Voyaging Voyager

Memoire of a perpetually hungry teenager…

So I am just like any other person…most of times anyway, But apart from being a socially anxious mess, I’m also a huge fan of food, I guess somehow food keeps me sane, or maybe it’s just my genetics, whatever it is I am a foodie, and having so far successfully eaten my way out of depression, I was going through the pictures on my phone today and was alarmed at how many pictures of food I had, its like I take a picture every time I am about to eat or something, maybe it helps to savour the moment, just a bit more. Here in Jamaica We have cooked food as opposed to fast food but I pretty much love both, after salivating over all the pictures in my phone, I thought I’d share a blog on some of them.


Enjoy 🙂

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They say Black people like fried chicken and apparently it’s true

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Last Week I had Chinese like everyday

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What do you know…More Chinese

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This looks like its here twice but its not, They just serve in the exact same way

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I always forget to order the french sandwich instead of the chicken club but when I do its great

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All that protein

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This place literally has the best pasta, on a budget anyway 🙂

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More Chinese

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Sometimes I feel fancy at home, Ramen anyone?

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Then there’s school

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I practically live on this

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School is the best, because of the education, but mostly the food (:

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Sauce it up please!!


“Always do what makes you happy, and overtime you will be at peace with yourself.”

-The Voyaging Voyager

A day in the life of a socially anxious teenager

Hey everyone I hope you all had a fantastic Monday, and also sorry for not posting I ultimately found all my time taken up with being home and enjoying quiet solace.


So today was quiet much like any other day, I stayed home and and slept late, ate and contemplated life and my relationship, then there was the contemplation of my existence and trying to figure out who I am as a person. There was also pasta which was very very delicious, and it was pleasant to note that I made it.


Later down in the day I escaped to my virtual reality world of Wizard101 where I found out yesterday that my castle was ranked 9th out of a 100 as the top best castles in the game, and so I am still riding that excitement, I suppose when you are socially anxious you yearn for socialization but also loath it, somehow wizard101 has helped me through that and I am truly grateful for the amazing friends I have made both virtually and in real life from it. So I spent today decorating my castle and doing more to keep it fresh and interesting for my budding fan base, even conducted a marriage today, for two girl characters who, basically wanted to get married, they asked and I agreed and it was an overall fun event.


My reality

Meanwhile back in reality I grappled with the idea of going to get a hair cut until I eventually resolved to wait until the night when it was dark and I could easily slip through the crowds without being noticed and my anxiety could be at a minimum, I got to the barber without incident although I still felt the anxiety bubbling inside me as I bobbed and weaved through the advancing pedestrians who looked simply like shadows.

Truth

My barber was waiting for me apparently, and it was nice to be inside the shop and away from the crowds,bringing my Ochlophobia to a halt. I tried to get cozy in the leather chair as whir of the shear signified my new cut was in progress, moments later it was over and the barber offered me the hot towel face cleanse, I weighed the thought anxiously…I was paying 7 dollars for this hair cut, after all it would be money lost if I didn’t take it, and this would be the second time I’d be turning it down, what would he think if I did?, do I care what he thinks? in a split second all these thoughts ran through my mind, I initially caved in and agreed because the more he tried to persuade the more anxious I became, the masseuse came over to me and did her thing and at one point had to tell me to not tense my face, I didn’t even know my face was tense, I was embarrassed but was glad when it was over I tried to act casual as I left, but I literally ran out, I ran into my barber on the balcony paid him hurriedly and left. The flurry of events literally made me hungry and I stopped at Wendy’s and got a burger and nuggets combo plus a large fries to help me stay calm, as I sat alone eating I contemplated my anxiety and loathed it, the tinted windows filtered the car headlights that passed by, I watched strangers come and go, a few I felt attracted to and wished I could say “hi” but that would be crazy, even for me…


After my panic attack was over I eased out of my seat dumped my tray and pushed through the glass doors into the dark lonely street, a beggar accosted me almost scaring the daylights out of me, I initially said no, but then turned around and gave him 50 cents which by the way is 50 dollars in Jamaica, he was grateful and I hurried along, folding my arms and walking briskly until I was home, safe in the nest, safe from the world.


Thanks for reading, You are awesome

🙂

-The Voyaging Voyager

Crushed…

I think tonight’s post is one that’s from the heart or maybe it’s from the mind, either way it’s something that’s been bothering me since it first happened and somehow the more I push against it the more it crushes me. These days I spend my time being engrossed in a roller coaster long distance romance that has dealt me my fair share of burns and scars, but yet all in all I want to be in it and I have been happy for the most part.

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My reality


But…after an exchange of words that left me apologetic and twisted with regret and having not fully forgiven myself for the things I said,although being assured that I was forgiven I now wonder if just maybe I haven’t been forgiven either. These days we exchange words in strained and grinding conversations, talking as though every word is a stone and must be weighed before it is thrown. Despite having tried not to be bothered by it and to simply hold on to the deep affection and endless desire I still hold, I somehow feel distant and withdrawn, I feel suffocated, yet in the same breath they are all that my heart desires, and they are all I can think about some days and even more so they have made me very happy and helped me through some tough times, so I am confounded by the intensity of this internal conflict.

Maybe I am just a sensitive person or maybe I overthink everything and over analyse too much or maybe its all of the above whatever the reason I felt like a bus ran over me almost 36 hours ago…


We were crawling along through our devastatingly opaque conversations when I hit a stump and genuinely couldn’t find anything to talk about, not because I wasn’t thinking but maybe because sometimes it’s difficult when you can’t really tell what someone is thinking, and I had already burned through the obvious topics like the weather and food and the “how was your day?” routine, trying to keep up my appeal and trying to be honest I said it out loud and told them that I didn’t know what to talk about but I still wanted to talk and then it happened…


It was not well received and in place of an affectionate response I was told that I didn’t always need to say something, and I felt crushed, crushed because I thought it was a cute thing to say and never would have expected that, crushed because I try to talk to compensate not being there, crushed because if they can think that what must everyone else think, crushed because I was coming on too strong, crushed because it didn’t feel warranted and stung like a hornet, but crushed most of all because I just accepted it, I didn’t say anything, I simply agreed and ended the conversation.

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Some true words

since then I have spent my time weighing everything in my head, under a rigorous and rational scale, I have resolved to not speak unless spoken to which in turn is killing me, and I feel like the harder I push the more the resistance increases against me, do I continue acting like it doesn’t bother me? Do I bring it up? Is it too late to bring it up? what will happen if I do?, and at some point or another I am going to just burst, whether into tears or into mad rage over my complicated mind, or the fact that in all of this I am still terrified of speaking about the way I feel, fearful of ridicule or being shown up as petty, being seen as ignorant and foolish being thought of as irrational and arrogant, so instead I blog to let it out, to free my mind from the burden of thought, to try and understand who I am when I proofread this to myself and to feel apart and separate from the chaos that has ensued in my mind.

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Someone please tell me because I desperate need to know


Thanks for being a great audience and thanks for taking the time to appreciate this, and if you ever find yourself if my shoes remember you aren’t alone, and if you happen to be on the opposite side remember that sometimes feelings are hurt and hearts are broken by the simplest of things.

-The Voyaging Voyager

This week was a voyage…

Sometimes you find yourself at a fork in the road

This week was a voyage, and it passed insanely fast, my biological clock is still out of sync due to me being home and not at work, apparently all it takes is one week without a schedule and I can’t tell what day it is even while staring at phone’s home screen.


Today in just one word: exhausting, apart from waking up my usual mid morning to the glare of the sun through my window, I thought  (foolishly) I’d slip unto the scale and see what’s up, I found out that I gained 10 pounds, that folks is 10 lbs/ 4 kilos / 535.92 grams, reigning in at a whopping 180 pounds, Yeah it seems that my binge eating thrill ride was not without consequence and as such I am not too thrilled, So I have essentially developed a work out plan which will start next week which would seek to counter my exciting new mass, and shrink them into oblivion. But while contemplating my new weight gain I couldn’t help laughing at the silly notion that I came up with in my head which was much like the movie “In Time”, what if we could use our calories as currency, I think in a world like that being fat wouldn’t be such a bad thing in fact it would be fan-fucking-tastic. But then again considering I am 6 foot 2 I don’t know if I fall into the fat bracket just yet, at least google agrees with me.

This blog is going to be mess, I am so flustered from all that I ate today combined with being flustered from walking in the sun here, yes Jamaica has sun, while the snow pummels our neighbours in the north it’s never been hotter down here by the equator. Added to that my failure at being promoted has finally set and as any socially anxious person can tell usually things like this don’t bother you until the next day or even the day after, when the feelings of inadequacy and disdain fill your heart and mind and you just want to curl up into a ball or burn down a house, either way I probably won’t do any of those things I’ll just stay here and continue the voyage and live by my new motto…Life is for Living


As always thanks for reading and stay tuned for more from

The Voyaging Voyager

🙂

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The best advice

So I was NOT chosen…(For the job I mean) Not the hunger games…But amma play It cool

Hey everyone I hope you are all having a wonderful week, and sorry about not posting yesterday, truth is nothing really happened and I basically did what I did the day before, you can check that out here.


So just a minute ago I found an email from my company informing me that I wasn’t chosen to be promoted


How come?

How come?

and how much of a hard decision it was, and what a great candidate I was, and how I will be kept in mind..yadda yadda etc etc.

I think this speaks for itself

and somehow being very coy with the let down. I eventually got off the sympathy ride and thought to myself…Bam my next post is a Go…So here we are some moments later, while I’m gouging down corned beef sandwiches, drinking soda and naturally, playing it cool…even though in my mind it went down in my mind much like this,

chestand I am ultimately devastated by not being chosen, and even thinking about taking the Katniss Everdeen stance

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You don’t even have to pay me I just can’t handle the disappointment

Growing up not experiencing any real disappointments has made this very hard, and I can feel my social anxiety bubbling to a nice simmer at the thought of having to tell everyone that I didn’t get it, because I mean naturally everyone thought I got it, but I haven’t and so I will need to play it more cool than ever before, my best gamble is to simply wait until they ask me about it, and then maybe I’ll just say the pay was unsatisfactory and so I declined it.

Because I can’t imagine making the call of fate to anyoneFace

and especially to my mother.

So instead I’ll just for this moment stuff my face with sandwiches then do ten laps on the treadmill while drinking my 1.5 litres of water because after all as Aragorn would put it.


As always stay cozy, and thanks for reading.

Life is still a Voyage…

-The voyaging voyager

The Longest Day ever…and a friend

IBR-1113189Today was perhaps one of the longest days I have ever had, and surprisingly I actually don’t mean that in an unpleasant way, in fact as long as it was, it was a good day, and I’ll take as many good days as I can get. I woke up around 10 or so this morning by that time the house was quiet and everyone had gone off to work, and I drew my curtains and the sky looked like rain, and I was happy because nothing beats being home alone and rain “…In my book anyway…”, I eased out of bed and my feet were greeted by cold tiles, and the eyes of the koi in my aquarium trailed me, I found that breakfast was left for me and that was nice, the house was quiet and undisturbed and I revelled in it.


I’m not antisocial or an introvert but somehow this was something that i have come to enjoy of late, it soothes my anxiety and that is very pleasant indeed. I didn’t turn on the T.V because really who even watches that anymore? “…not this guy to say the least…”, so instead I sat in the couch, and  contemplated whether I was going to stop by work or not, I brooded over the thought for a while but ultimately procrastinated it away, not that I should have been there anyway I’m “on call”. After breakfast part 2(which by the way is an aspect of me eating-my-way-through-depression) I decided to maybe catch up the internet and all that may have happened while I was asleep, “…not much, regrettably…”

As I brooded over what to do I remembered an animated series I had watched some time ago before my attention span deteriorated and I just couldn’t get around to finishing it, fortunately it was only two seasons and I was well into the second season so I didn’t have to worry about new episodes or any of that crazy business, just to watch the few remaining ones, I managed to do that today and that was very satisfying.

Earlier before starting to writing this I told a friend of mine that I would mention them, they gave slight protest, in which case I got my way, Its funny though since I don’t know them well enough to say anything that would be defacing character or anything of the sort, what I do know is that we’ve grown apart, and the sudden flush of interest that they seem to have for me lately, is incredibly heart warming, and they are probably going to read this and have no idea that I had this feeling, but things are easier to say here than in a closed conversation “…I’d probably never say it to their face…or worse text it”. The way we met was either a tremendous accident or ironic fate, but either way there was an instant connection and I was charmed by them, and they probably enjoyed my straightforwardness, we grew close and shared moments that were simple and yet none like I’ve had before, they were memorable and special but most of all they were effortless. 

I can’t imagine how different my life would be without them, and despite being insanely terrified of expressing how much I missed them for fear of seeming overbearing and clingy I stuck it out silently under the guise of being busy, and having huge internal debates about why they haven’t returned my calls or replied to my 3rd text in the same day, but somehow I didn’t have to because all I needed to do was to be patient and not to over think it and just let it flow and as anxious as I was today when I left to go pick up chinese for dinner I was happy, because I could rest assured that my best accident ever didn’t hate me or forget me, but was just trying to live their life, the way you and I should try to live ours.


As always thanks for reading. 

Stay cozy :)

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A little thought on being patient, remember to keep at it with a smile 🙂