I THOught I knEW But nOW i donT

Mother’s day was Sunday, and I had an excellent day with my mom, we stayed home… like we always do, but I guess this was an enjoyable stayed home, we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary but it felt, different in a way, more serene I guess.

Monday I had my second exam and I spent the day having mixed feelings, I suppose it always happens and I don’t think I can think of a time when I don’t have mixed feels about one thing or another. I suppose that’s just how I roll, always wondering about whether or not I’m making the right decision and over thinking everything, what to wear, when last I wore it, who saw me, I suppose my photographic memory is over burdened with continuous efforts to remember. I Can perhaps remember every single conversation I have had that was of significance to me since I was old enough to understand. I remember teachers from kindergarten and people who existed continuously in my life, my mom’s co-workers, my dads co-workers, I remember the porridge my mom made me when I was around four and a strange lady at my dad’s workplace fed it to me.

What appals me now I suppose is how uncertain my life has become, I had a fully functioning life plan since I was twelve and changed over from prep to high school and it entailed me growing up going to college getting a job then when I was well settled a child for whom I had already chosen name was already picked and their future decided. Now my plans seem thwarted and farther than I can imagine, the career dream of my life may be too far out of my reach at this present moment and even with focus and desire it doesn’t make it any closer, I suppose now I am tasked with having to reroute my travel, in order to reach the same destination that I have wanted since so many years.

I suppose new horizons and challenges are to be expected, but even then I had not anticipated that they would possible steer me off course entirely. I suppose as a sixteen year old I’m just over thinking this and should just let it fall into place, but I’m afraid that’s not how my brain works and as far as its concerned if it not certain then it is uncertain.

I suppose eventually I will learn to accept life as it comes and take it in strides, but up until that that point I will always say ” I thought I knew but now I don’t”

Until next time thanks for reading and I will see you soon bye 🙂

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3 thoughts on “I THOught I knEW But nOW i donT

  1. You sound a lot like me. Having goals for yourself and a mind set to achieve them is a great thing to have, but don’t let your ambitions stop you short of doing what makes you happy.

  2. Wow that’s very touching… Sometimes I wonder how I am going to get the wheels going on my future sometimes too. And sometimes it depresses me when I consider some of the compromising choices that I will have to take in order to achieve my goals. There may be an entire upheaval of who I am and what defines my values. And that’s another thing I fear the most; being changed by the world; becoming fake. And that pill is just too hard a pill to swallow for me.

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